It’s September September 4, 2009
Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , add a commentI talked to my counselor on the phone today. She suggested I may need to go into inpatient or outpatient psych because my depression has been getting worse. I’m neglecting to do simple tasks like wash the laundry, etc., and so she encouraged me to get busy.
So it’s 9pm and I haven’t done anything worth being proud of today. The one moment of bliss was me gorging on pizza. Anyway, I am suppose to text my counselor when I place a load of clothes into the washer. Also I’m supposed to text when I go swimming tomorrow.
Gosh I don’t like wasting her time with my pathetic issues. I need to get off my lazy ass but it’s so difficult to do. My depression hasn’t gotten worse. I’ve been like this for a while — not including the manic episode. Yeah, I’ve been really fucked up all this year and here it is September.
Cried again August 26, 2009
Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , 1 comment so farAnother counseling day full of tears. It happened with both therapists. I don’t feel safe to let go of the tears … they only fell because I couldn’t hold them back because I’m so hormonal. I am very hormonal. I usually have complete control over my sadness.
Bipolar depressed + Thyroid Disease not stabilized + PMS = hormonal me
I think I’m afraid of abandonment when I cry. Eventually the tears must stop for the counseling session to cease. The counselor has other patients. So I look at the clock. Or, I change the subject and think of other stuff. I leave angry at myself and relieved.
I don’t like how the nurse practitioner looks at me during counseling. She says the right things and is really nice but is too nice and clinical and perfectionistic. It’s like she is always trying to figure out what I’m going to say before I say it. Also it seems she is always trying to guide me to think a certain way. Her suggestions are good but I’m too out of it to be motivated to comply. She doesn’t realize I’m only “doing good” for my counseling sessions and throughout the rest of the week I’m a mess.
My counselor who I’ve been with for years, I trust her and need to talk to her but I’m just so scared. I need to talk about the child abuse, issues with men, Joe’s suicide, abortion issue and abandonment during cancer treatments, loss of friends, etc., etc., etc. How could I have been in counseling for so long and not talked about these things??
Damnit, I’m crying now.
Get off of me August 25, 2009
Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , add a commentI had a nightmare that included Michael Jackson and my brother raping me from the behind. I couldn’t shake him off of me. I kept screaming “Get off of me!” as I bucked my legs around.
My rape dreams occur when I’m stressed. I don’t feel like being me these days. Every time I have hope, dreams, or inspiration, then I’m crushed and put back into my place. Why can’t I have a fucking break?