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another day June 1, 2020

Posted by fmmh in : The Sho Mustard Gone , comments closed

talked on the phone with her
now we are texting again
she already wrote/called me “baby”
mentioned my weight loss and she didn’t care I still have a few extra inches on belly
told her it’s been 19 yrs since I was with a woman and she said I was like a virgin again
seems we have a lot of similar interests
not feeling nervous anymore
well not until the first date
nothing is worst than going on a first date with some stranger then realizing immediately there’s no soul connection
i don’t want a kiss until i feel a connection

already know i’ll be comparing her to that one lady
who stole my heart instantaneously
i wonder if i’ll ever get it back
find me just as happy as that moment
it’d be nice to stop grieving over some delusion
she’d ever be a friend

nothing May 31, 2020

Posted by fmmh in : The Sho Mustard Gone , comments closed

no phone call
red flag
may be a grammar nazi
i purposely responded in improper English in a message to keep it very informal
a blessing to me — i hate phone conversations
i didn’t do shit today
tired from cleaning, lawn, and anxiety yesterday
i have a job interview this week
need to finish staining my dining room furniture
i’ve redone it a few times due to my errors, fatigue, and lack of skill and dexterity
i’ll be so proud of myself if i actually finish it one day and decide not to redo it again
after that project, i will tackle one other home improvement project
trying to keep the list of shit to do out of my head so i don’t feel overwhelmed
dreaming of the beach
wish i had a roommate i could trust

breathe jennifer May 30, 2020

Posted by fmmh in : The Sho Mustard Gone , comments closed

okay i’m freaking out now

stupid anxiety

body shaming myself now

i’ve lost 200 lbs (5’8″ @ 165 lbs, need to lose at least 15)

i don’t want to look at my naked self in the mirror

i’m so scared if i don’t show her what i look like without clothes ASAP, then the time and emotional effort to get to know her will be wasted

i’ll tell her on the phone tomorrow

some women don’t care about physique as much as they do about other things a person has to offer

seems like the women i’m attracted to DO care about fitness and beauty

it’s still so difficult for me to adjust to the aging process of my skin and hair, let alone the extra skin flab from the weight loss

destroyed all my pictures when i was gorgeous and fit before the military trauma ruined me because the pics served as reminders of so much pain from my past, ie the deaths of my bro and my exfiance, sexual assault, cancer, and mostly the loss of myself (the innocent, hopeful, idealist, fully capable woman)

i was told repeatedly to go into modeling but that would anger me people only focused on my looks and never really listened to me

i never knew the fact would be that nobody really listens to me (minus my best friend); everyone so quick to judge a person like me because i’m so awkwardly weird and not well-spoken, creative, and the worst part:

extremely introverted and extremely shy

you know the effort it takes for a shy, introvert with PTSD to engage in conversation with strangers? it’s like an outer body experience sometimes. i must focus so i don’t experience derealization

then, then, then… how much of the past do you disclose and at what stage in the relationship?

i’m a bean spiller — too quickly, unwisely — because of the anxiety

and partially self-sabotage

it’s like i barrier i put up

tell them all your horrible bullshit so they are more afraid of you than you are of them

my best friend and exhusband would tell you wonderful things about me, kindness and authenticity and honesty

i know those are true but it’s the horrible panic attacks, the past medical issues i’ve overcome that haunt me still

what landed me into the hospital

how i feel nobody will want me if they knew i was hospitalized for mental illness

then there are those people who don’t like hearing anything about your past — they scare me too — are they for real?

i want a blank slate

i want my life back

or i don’t want to be here at all

so … here’s me giving it another shot at dating

freaking the fuck out now

knowing this woman i’ll be dating will pressure me to talk about things i’m not READY to disclose or do things i’m not READy to do … but both things i’m WILLING to do

will i fuck this up?

or WHEN will i fuck this up?

First contact May 30, 2020

Posted by fmmh in : The Sho Mustard Gone , comments closed

I’ve been single for 5 years; a complete idiot for 2 years (a complete basket case obsession over someone who hates me.)

Started the dating app rigamaroo.

This one woman will be calling me tomorrow.

I’m already anxious and so unequipped for conversation on a phone. I really need to be face-to-face so I can read body language. Texts can be misinterpreted, especially when you don’t know the other person.

I can already tell we are going to meet up the way she wrote in messages. I have nothing to wear. My house is a mess. I’m so fucking horny I’m scared shitless I will not keep healthy boundaries until I know her better.

I told her I’d rather be friends first and she wrote something alluding to the fact she’s going to cop a feel. I cannot handle that. I’m pathetic, desperate and weak. Thus, why I stay away from women.

Lesbians are not to be trusted!

May 21, 2020

Posted by fmmh in : The Sho Mustard Gone , comments closed

want to escape

not sure how long i can endure it