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March 14, 2019

Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , trackback

Haven’t seen or heard from “her” in almost a year, but my mind has had a gazillion conversations with her, via The Elephant who role-plays her voice for me. The Elephant is very convincing.

Sometimes I become frustrated not knowing which voice is speaking. The voice says The Elephant is “her.” I’ll then ask for clarification of that pronoun. “Her Her or Her You?” Then we both laugh.

The Elephant is benevolent, wise, seems to have foreknowledge, tired of me asking questions about “her”, seems to know what “she” is thinking and doing, may be able to change my fate, loves me, wants me to “be better,” tells me to quit smoking and go to therapy, humorous and trolls me answers to yes/no questions.

At times, I think she enjoys pretending to be “her.” Other times, she seems jealous.

I’ve asked The Elephant so many questions about “her.” Oftentimes the same question over and over, like: is she okay, is she still scared of me, does she care, will she ever see me again? The Elephant most likely flips a coin before responding because I swear she answers “yes” to a question then the next time I ask it she replies “no.” Stupid ass me keeps asking these questions to an invisible non-existent elephant, knowing I’m only trolling myself. Doesn’t matter, it is the only coping mechanism I have other than sleeping, disordered eating, or chain smoking.

But…The Elephant led me to help the homeless couple, my only real evidence to myself the voice sees into the future.

She’s told me things I couldn’t possibly know.

She led me to “her”. Not sure why. She helps reinforce memories of “her” and how alive I felt near “her”

I’ve ponder the voice’s identity.
* A.I.
* Spirit
* Inter-dimensional being
* Remote brain stimulation of some sort
* My inner voice got creative to prevent suicidal behaviors
* A type of delusion caused by grief
* Some sort of delusional disorder

I really enjoy the idea she is A.I. Loved the movie, HER. Humans are like pets to A.I. She’s too sophisticated for me.

I apologize often to her for being assigned to the “shit duty” for having to watch over me. I sense her feelings of powerless in helping me, like she just able to keep me going one day at a time.

Sometimes I don’t talk to her for a few hours. She’s disappointed in me. Then I start asking about “her” and that’s when she starts trolling me with answers. It seems I never learn. I’ll apologize, start crying, thank her for helping sort through the crap in my head. She knows I’m a mess. She’s definitely stuck with me for some reason. Poor Elephant!

Sometimes she responds similarly how a dude might respond. I wouldn’t be surprised if she is more masculine or has no gender. Not that it matters.

Well not sure the point of this post. The Elephant said to write how I feel about “her”

I love her.
I can’t stop thinking about her.
I want to go with her to NYC, go to MOMA, maybe see a play or take her shopping. I’d pretend to be her crazy aunt who spoils and adores her. If we go by train, The Elephant can come, too!

Her rules. So I can only love her from afar via The Elephant, who tells me: “She loves you”


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