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Oh Dear February 20, 2019

Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , add a comment

One shot of vodka.
One coffee.
One too many cigs.
I’m tired, right?
Shit, let’s not do hypomania.
Contemplating Benadryl but…
This is exactly where I’m at…
Going one stimulus to another, which means:
I’m an addict.
Hey, I just completed my first step in recovery:
Admitting I’m powerless over my stupidity.

I’m not an addict-addict (minus the cigs, but I can quit cigs anytime, coughing. All true addicts deny this properly.)
Nope, I’m a distraction addict.
Don’t have ADD.
Nope, it’s just survival skills
Coping methods to keep me, um,
mostly not thinking stupid shit that lands me curled up in the sheets crying,
and/or keeps me busy.
Distractions saved my life a few number of times.
Anxiety/depression and ruminations get unbearable at times and now I don’t know how to function without distractions.
I barely can watch a 2-hours movie.

I spent at least 5 hours on my homework tonight. That’s quite an accomplishment, given my state-of-mind.

Even if I barely pass these classes, I think I’ll be better off mentally—especially in the need to focus and doing art again. I have so many ideas and should be able to build my art website this summer, from skills learned in the web design class.

Wow, that made me feel a little better, realizing I am a little better than before I was taking these classes. I was a fucking mess last year. Let’s not go there.

2018 sucked balls. Numerology my ass! Fucking 11 year, whatever. As if the Universe adheres to arbitrary numerical systems.

Let’s not ponder anything stupid late at night. Sleepy time! My mind shall drift off to another dimension, hopefully where my Fate resides. Maybe I won’t be such a dork there?