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A No Anxiety Day October 26, 2018

Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , trackback

I survived yesterday with no anxiety. This was very enlightening for me, especially because I went to the hospital for an EEG and had horrible sleep the night before. The Universe was very kind to me for allowing the sleep tech, a very intelligent dude, talk and entertain me the whole time.

Maybe I was too exhausted to be anxious? He was touching my head and hair and gluing stuff to me. I dissociated for a bit because I don’t remember him putting two electrodes on my upper chest. I only noticed when he quickly removed them afterward.

The test probably was negative for any abnormal brain activity. Although, I saw some really cool visual hallucinations during the strobe light portion.

I felt my perception pull forward into a sphere of rainbow geometric shapes. The sphere spun horizontally to the left and later turned into cymatics. It was so awesome, I’m ready to do it again!

After the EEG, I downed coffee and smoke cigarettes and the stimulants woke me up but didn’t affect my mood—still no anxiety.

That afternoon, I ran into my friend and met her fiancé. This was the first time I could be around her without feeling so nervous. I liked seeing her so happy around him. It was so much easier for me to talk and be relaxed, without her attention fully on me.

So the lesson I learned yesterday is this:

My PTSD symptoms and the extreme social anxiety can be managed when I’m (1) tired and/or (2) not alone with someone I want to become intimate (even friendship) with.

My panic attacks often begin when I’m alone with someone I don’t know very well but want to “be there” and not dissociate. It takes a lot of effort staying grounded and breathing when trying to engage someone in conversation, without derailing topics or trying to flee the situation altogether.

It doesn’t matter how easily I meet people or make new friends. I find that easy. The HARD part is staying friends due to my anxiety of trying to get to know him/her.

If I drink, the anxiety disappears but then it seems every guy wants to fuck me. Yes, something happens to me every time, I get too amorous, smile too much, cheeks flush or something. I can really only drink alcohol around a trusted friend who will keep the men away from me.

Seems like the only solution really is medical marijuana…or I’ll never chill enough to really get to know someone.

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