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Tired of being lonely October 22, 2018

Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , trackback

Background: I was married to a man who has autism but we didn’t realize it until our son was diagnosed with autism. My ex is highly intelligent, steadfast, generous, and very caring. I respect him highly. He overcomes so many challenges, like surviving 15 years military service and working a job that requires accounting and databases, yet he has severe dyslexia and dysgraphia. He works a full time job, goes to school full time and sees his son on the weekends. He’s also still willing to support me, if I need the help.

I don’t like saying or writing anything negative about my exhusband. We had our bad times but overall, the horrible marriage all points to Autism and why I wanted out of the marriage.

I’m been so lonely for years, since 2004.

We became close friends right after my recovery from cancer in 2001. The next year, we moved into an apartment together because I was so freaked after that last sexual assault occurred in the barracks. My ex and I used to talk and share everything together. But that all changed a year after we were married.

Pretty much after he separated from the military, he stopped grooming himself, hygiene, and stopped interacting with me.

It’s like he was hanging on, playing the role of good sailor Hospital Corpsman, worker, and husband that he decided the stress was all too much for him.

He retreated into his books. He’d come home from work after 7pm all tired, eat dinner, then an hour later go to bed.

Two years later, my son was born. It made my ex even more stressed. I basically did everything in raising our son. It was very difficult especially when my son’s autism escalated around 3 years old with severe meltdowns in public.

My son’s autism isolated me more from establishing and keeping friends with others. Other autism moms seemed too tired to do anything other than play dates with our kids.

It’s hard for me to imagine dating anyone again. I long just to be close with someone again. I’m afraid I’d just cry too much if someone was really wanting to be intimate (either as friends or lovers) with me.

I don’t remember what a kiss feels like, or holding hands, or being looked into the eyes with sincere interest.

I want to start dating but it’s difficult being a single mom. Casual sex is not a thing for me, especially with anxiety and PTSD. But I’m starting to feel desperate (lol) and hormonal (46 yrs old) and it’s been almost 4 years since I’ve tried sex. (If that’s what you call sex when you’re in a sucky marriage.)

Men have been hitting on me since I’ve recently lost weight. It scares me. I’ve fell for 4 women since my divorce. One, I’ve been obsessed about since April. She totally hates me because I met her during a manic episode and wrote some stuff to her that was absolutely horrible. I hate my brain. It’s truly suffering to I lose relationships such as hers, like part of my soul group.

I hate my past and how it’s defined me today, especially with this unrelenting anxiety. I’m going to apply for medical marijuana. Maybe it’ll help the anxiety? Or maybe I’ll just get the munchies and become fat again….

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