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On Being an Autism Mom October 19, 2018

Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , trackback

I never talk about what it’s like to raise my son. Our daily struggles are not things I want documented either. So, nobody knows, except his dad.

My son’s autism is high functioning. Nobody can tell he has special needs. He’ll do and says things that are completely inappropriate in social situations, and I can sense it makes other people uncomfortable.

I’m always trying to pick my battles.

Do I “attempt” to correct him, risking a meltdown in public, or do I let others know he has autism? It’s really none of anyone’s business. But still…things can escalate quickly, and each time, I must decide wisely.

It’s much easier to correct the behaviors. However, it’s the inappropriate conversations that really embarrass me. I never know what this kid will say! His train of thought will go from talking about Godzilla to something that happened 3 years ago that’s completely irrelevant to the topic others are discussing. Then he focuses on particular conversations from the past, reciting actual things talked about with pragmatic word order all out of context, often laced with inappropriate and/or private family matters.

It’s a never ending battle, teaching him what’s okay to say or do in social situations. He becomes argumentative when I correct him. I hate arguing! How do you teach a kid who seems to refuse to listen, when you really know he just cannot comprehend social expectations?

It stresses me out. This year parenting has been particularly brutal. I’m with him 24/7 (except when his dad visits). He has been talking more, and expresses a lot of anger at me for divorce and going to the hospital.

He’s been going to art therapy since July to deal with his anger. It’s over $600/month I cannot afford but worth every penny.

Overall, yes, I’ve left out a lot…skipping to the conclusion…

Overall, I feel like a failure as a mom. I’ve ran out of superpowers to keep teaching him. I’m just too tired. He’s going back to public schooling for them to babysit him. I already know they won’t be teaching him, because he needs one-on-one teaching from highly skilled instructors, knowledgeable about autism.

Maybe in a couple years, we’ll return back to homeschooling, but only if I’m up for it again. I surrender. It’s too damn hard.

Every day I cry inside because I fear he won’t have the appropriate skills to manage adulthood on his own. I wish I could help him. It seems all I can do now for him is hugs and just listen to him. But he needs so much more….


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