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FML October 5, 2018

Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , trackback

Fuck My Life, i know i have the worst karma

i successfully avoided news for years but couldn’t avoid that sexual trauma stuff recently

i literally have zero support

can’t talk about anything going on in my life without stressing me out more

every time i talk about my past, i end up having panic attacks to the point of being admitted into psych ward

* i have history of childhood incest trauma, ages 3 to 13,

that’s probably the most significant lingering issue i’ve never really talked about

it’s difficult for me to be around men, without going hypervigilant; sometimes just going out in public, seeing men around children, i can intuitively sense inappropriate behavior and seductive looks from fathers to their children; thank goodness, i’ve only seen a handful of potential men that definitely fall into that category, but it set me off into panic mode every time; so i try to avoid looking at families because i know what to look for in grooming behavior from predators; i know how children physically and emotionally react around predators; over the years, i’ve learned i’m completely powerless in helping any of these children, that i must keep my judgments to myself and never look

* my brother’s death due to AIDS; he was one of the best i’ve ever known; my forever hero and role-model

* my high school sweetheart’s suicide; this fucked me up for years;

* 3 military sexual traumas,

the first rape, i was really drunk and suicidal; i intuitively knew i should take a taxi; too drunk to keep him off me; literally told him more than once “No!”; tried keeping my clothes on, [details omitted]; eventually kicked off ship because resulting cancerous pregnancy, which made the whole incident really shameful

the second “rape” was with a dude i really liked; we were drunk; i run away from him, hiding in my barracks room; about 5 mins later, he forces his way into my room; i was so scared of his aggression; despite me telling him to go away, i decide to submit and get him off so fast to get rid of him; this incident really wasn’t too traumatizing per se, but did compound my issues with men

the third rape was probably the most troubling for me because it was a female; the whole time i was having a panic attack and time moved so slowly; i never really talked about it; i never realized a woman could hurt me like that; i’ve had a lot of trouble with intimacy since this event; don’t really trust anyone anymore

* already mentioned cancer (molar pregnancy) with 3 months chemo

* married then divorced; still friends with him and tries to help with his son

* parent of son with autism; stressors unbelievable; he has seizures and another neurological issue

* i’ve numerous health issues, “probably all in the head” because i’m crazy (that’s the attitude of most health care personnel around me)

my ESR and CRP inflammation been abnormal and anemia since the cancer/chemotherapy

no physician really tried to help me when i felt the worst, because of my obesity, a Johns Hopkins doc literally laughed in my face, a nurse practitioner in internal medicine (at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center) read my whole psych notes to me, ridiculing me for not complying to what she thought was best for me

no one cares to know how i feel on psych medications; all they care about is sedating me to get me to shut the fuck up and annotate in their notes that they did something to “help” me; no one cares that i feel more sick on medications; more suicidal; more invisible; more in pain; liver hurts more; bowels hurt more; less energy; inability to wake up in the morning; more migraines; difficulty in operating motor vehicle; more coordination and balance issue; nobody cares

i’d rather go to the psych ward for 10 days than take their medications every day for a year; besides a psych ward trip is like a vacation (lol) when you have a kid with autism

i’d rather scare everyone away with my crazy trips than take that medication; nobody is listening to me anyway; just go away people, if you can’t love me for me, just go away

my panic attacks make me go crazy-crazy sometimes, yes, but never violent; my worst crazy is me screaming ridiculous, stupid crazy stuff that makes obviously no goddamn sense; i guarantee they are more embarrassing to me than to you

i literally have ZERO credibility and integrity anymore; try imagining that for yourself; no one empathizes because everyone just thinks they know what is best for me;

what about
self-determination,
autonomy,
quality of life???
do i not have a right to say what goes into my body???

if you see me psychotic, just be nice and courteous, don’t engage me with condescending words; if you’re brave then encourage me to sit down or maybe take a break, usually i calm down from panic attack enough to reason with me before i run away; can’t handle that then just call an ambulance for me

again, i’d rather go to the psych ward; they usually hit me up with antianxiety meds in the ER and my panic attack subsides quickly

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