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FML October 5, 2018

Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , trackback

Fuck My Life, i know i have the worst karma

i successfully avoided news for years but couldn’t avoid that sexual trauma stuff recently

i literally have zero support

can’t talk about anything going on in my life without stressing me out more

every time i talk about my past, i end up having panic attacks to the point of being admitted into psych ward

* i have history of childhood incest trauma, ages 3 to 13,

that’s probably the most significant lingering issue i’ve never really talked about

it’s difficult for me to be around men, without going hypervigilant; sometimes just going out in public, seeing men around children, i can intuitively sense inappropriate behavior and seductive looks from fathers to their children; thank goodness, i’ve only seen a handful of potential men that definitely fall into that category, but it set me off into panic mode every time; so i try to avoid looking at families because i know what to look for in grooming behavior from predators; i know how children physically and emotionally react around predators; over the years, i’ve learned i’m completely powerless in helping any of these children, that i must keep my judgments to myself and never look

* my brother’s death due to AIDS; he was one of the best i’ve ever known; my forever hero and role-model

* my high school sweetheart’s suicide; this fucked me up for years;

* 3 military sexual traumas,

the first rape, i was really drunk and suicidal; i intuitively knew i should take a taxi; too drunk to keep him off me; literally told him more than once “No!”; tried keeping my clothes on, [details omitted]; eventually kicked off ship because resulting cancerous pregnancy, which made the whole incident really shameful

the second “rape” was with a dude i really liked; we were drunk; i run away from him, hiding in my barracks room; about 5 mins later, he forces his way into my room; i was so scared of his aggression; despite me telling him to go away, i decide to submit and get him off so fast to get rid of him; this incident really wasn’t too traumatizing per se, but did compound my issues with men

the third rape was probably the most troubling for me because it was a female; the whole time i was having a panic attack and time moved so slowly; i never really talked about it; i never realized a woman could hurt me like that; i’ve had a lot of trouble with intimacy since this event; don’t really trust anyone anymore

* already mentioned cancer (molar pregnancy) with 3 months chemo

* married then divorced; still friends with him and tries to help with his son

* parent of son with autism; stressors unbelievable; he has seizures and another neurological disorder

my panic attacks make me go crazy-crazy (bipolar) sometimes, yes, but never violent; my worst crazy is me saying ridiculous, stupid crazy stuff that makes obviously no goddamn sense; i guarantee they are more embarrassing to me than to you

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