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First Date November 5, 2018

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I met a nice man today. We didn’t talk much, so I still know nothing about him. He has the type of energy that makes me feel really comfortable. I think that may be a bad thing for me. Typically, when I really like someone, I don’t get comfy.

He’s beautiful and sexy but still, my heart & mind didn’t feel much while kissing him. He has zero body fat and great skin. Smelled and tasted good. But it seems my heart was not into him at all.

Also, I’m not sure if I’m only emotionally attracted to women…or completely unable to trust any man.

I can’t imagine this relationship going very far because I’d rather be with someone who pushes me to talk and inspires me to become more.

Typically men just want sex and they’re satisfied. Of course, they’ll play the wine and dine game, if you insist.

Joe was the only guy I’ve ever been with that wanted it all. Doubt there’s many of those Joe’s out there in the world. I miss sitting outside looking at the stars and listening him talk about dead philosophers and him trying his best to find a topic to get me talking.

I’m curious how many times I’ll meet this dude without real conversation. I don’t even know if I care about talking. I’ve been so lonely for years; it’s nice to feel human touch even if it feels so superficial now.

Errr October 27, 2018

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Major motherhood fail today.

I took my son to a festival, and he absolutely hated being outside. He refused to explore or stand. So, we did nothing.

While sitting down, he trolled texted quotes from a movie…here’s the scene

He let me step away for coffee, and he texted me “Mom” eleven times. He likes likes to role-play a particular Stewie scene. He thinks it’s funny because his dad and I hate Family Guy. https://youtu.be/aOLxQGLJouI

Errr. I don’t know what to do to motivate him to go outside. All he wants to do is sit at his computer or play video games.

As a reward for staying a few hours at the festival, he’ll to spend most of tomorrow afternoon in the indoor lazy river pool. It’ll be pure torture for me. Once we are in the pool, he’ll refuse to ever leave. Seriously, I’ll have to call his dad to tell him to get out of the pool.

His IEP to return back to public school is November 5th. He needs more practice going outside and being around other people. Maybe I can get him to go to a farm, hay ride, and another festival. Anything to get him walking. But whatever we choose to do is always something he doesn’t really want to do. He’s always miserable, and I feel like I’m forcing him to do stuff. I’m unable to engage him.

I doubt the school will allow him to play on his iPad all day. This transistion will be very difficult for him.

A No Anxiety Day October 26, 2018

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I survived yesterday with no anxiety. This was very enlightening for me, especially because I went to the hospital for an EEG and had horrible sleep the night before. The Universe was very kind to me for allowing the sleep tech, a very intelligent dude, talk and entertain me the whole time.

Maybe I was too exhausted to be anxious? He was touching my head and hair and gluing stuff to me. I dissociated for a bit because I don’t remember him putting two electrodes on my upper chest. I only noticed when he quickly removed them afterward.

The test probably was negative for any abnormal brain activity. Although, I saw some really cool visual hallucinations during the strobe light portion.

I felt my perception pull forward into a sphere of rainbow geometric shapes. The sphere spun horizontally to the left and later turned into cymatics. It was so awesome, I’m ready to do it again!

After the EEG, I downed coffee and smoke cigarettes and the stimulants woke me up but didn’t affect my mood—still no anxiety.

That afternoon, I ran into my friend and met her fiancé. This was the first time I could be around her without feeling so nervous. I liked seeing her so happy around him. It was so much easier for me to talk and be relaxed, without her attention fully on me.

So the lesson I learned yesterday is this:

My PTSD symptoms and the extreme social anxiety can be managed when I’m (1) tired and/or (2) not alone with someone I want to become intimate (even friendship) with.

My panic attacks often begin when I’m alone with someone I don’t know very well but want to “be there” and not dissociate. It takes a lot of effort staying grounded and breathing when trying to engage someone in conversation, without derailing topics or trying to flee the situation altogether.

It doesn’t matter how easily I meet people or make new friends. I find that easy. The HARD part is staying friends due to my anxiety of trying to get to know him/her.

If I drink, the anxiety disappears but then it seems every guy wants to fuck me. Yes, something happens to me every time, I get too amorous, smile too much, cheeks flush or something. I can really only drink alcohol around a trusted friend who will keep the men away from me.

Seems like the only solution really is medical marijuana…or I’ll never chill enough to really get to know someone.

Tired of being lonely October 22, 2018

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Background: I was married to a man who has autism but we didn’t realize it until our son was diagnosed with autism. My ex is highly intelligent, steadfast, generous, and very caring. I respect him highly. He overcomes so many challenges, like surviving 15 years military service and working a job that requires accounting and databases, yet he has severe dyslexia and dysgraphia. He works a full time job, goes to school full time and sees his son on the weekends. He’s also still willing to support me, if I need the help.

I don’t like saying or writing anything negative about my exhusband. We had our bad times but overall, the horrible marriage all points to Autism and why I wanted out of the marriage.

I’m been so lonely for years, since 2004.

We became close friends right after my recovery from cancer in 2001. The next year, we moved into an apartment together because I was so freaked after that last sexual assault occurred in the barracks. My ex and I used to talk and share everything together. But that all changed a year after we were married.

Pretty much after he separated from the military, he stopped grooming himself, hygiene, and stopped interacting with me.

It’s like he was hanging on, playing the role of good sailor Hospital Corpsman, worker, and husband that he decided the stress was all too much for him.

He retreated into his books. He’d come home from work after 7pm all tired, eat dinner, then an hour later go to bed.

Two years later, my son was born. It made my ex even more stressed. I basically did everything in raising our son. It was very difficult especially when my son’s autism escalated around 3 years old with severe meltdowns in public.

My son’s autism isolated me more from establishing and keeping friends with others. Other autism moms seemed too tired to do anything other than play dates with our kids.

It’s hard for me to imagine dating anyone again. I long just to be close with someone again. I’m afraid I’d just cry too much if someone was really wanting to be intimate (either as friends or lovers) with me.

I don’t remember what a kiss feels like, or holding hands, or being looked into the eyes with sincere interest.

I want to start dating but it’s difficult being a single mom. Casual sex is not a thing for me, especially with anxiety and PTSD. But I’m starting to feel desperate (lol) and hormonal (46 yrs old) and it’s been almost 4 years since I’ve tried sex. (If that’s what you call sex when you’re in a sucky marriage.)

Men have been hitting on me since I’ve recently lost weight. It scares me. I’ve fell for 4 women since my divorce. One, I’ve been obsessed about since April. She totally hates me because I met her during a manic episode and wrote some stuff to her that was absolutely horrible. I hate my brain. It’s truly suffering to I lose relationships such as hers, like part of my soul group.

I hate my past and how it’s defined me today, especially with this unrelenting anxiety. I’m going to apply for medical marijuana. Maybe it’ll help the anxiety? Or maybe I’ll just get the munchies and become fat again….

On Being an Autism Mom October 19, 2018

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I never talk about what it’s like to raise my son. Our daily struggles are not things I want documented either. So, nobody knows, except his dad.

My son’s autism is high functioning. Nobody can tell he has special needs. He’ll do and says things that are completely inappropriate in social situations, and I can sense it makes other people uncomfortable.

I’m always trying to pick my battles.

Do I “attempt” to correct him, risking a meltdown in public, or do I let others know he has autism? It’s really none of anyone’s business. But still…things can escalate quickly, and each time, I must decide wisely.

It’s much easier to correct the behaviors. However, it’s the inappropriate conversations that really embarrass me. I never know what this kid will say! His train of thought will go from talking about Godzilla to something that happened 3 years ago that’s completely irrelevant to the topic others are discussing. Then he focuses on particular conversations from the past, reciting actual things talked about with pragmatic word order all out of context, often laced with inappropriate and/or private family matters.

It’s a never ending battle, teaching him what’s okay to say or do in social situations. He becomes argumentative when I correct him. I hate arguing! How do you teach a kid who seems to refuse to listen, when you really know he just cannot comprehend social expectations?

It stresses me out. This year parenting has been particularly brutal. I’m with him 24/7 (except when his dad visits). He has been talking more, and expresses a lot of anger at me for divorce and going to the hospital.

He’s been going to art therapy since July to deal with his anger. It’s over $600/month I cannot afford but worth every penny.

Overall, yes, I’ve left out a lot…skipping to the conclusion…

Overall, I feel like a failure as a mom. I’ve ran out of superpowers to keep teaching him. I’m just too tired. He’s going back to public schooling for them to babysit him. I already know they won’t be teaching him, because he needs one-on-one teaching from highly skilled instructors, knowledgeable about autism.

Maybe in a couple years, we’ll return back to homeschooling, but only if I’m up for it again. I surrender. It’s too damn hard.

Every day I cry inside because I fear he won’t have the appropriate skills to manage adulthood on his own. I wish I could help him. It seems all I can do now for him is hugs and just listen to him. But he needs so much more….