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Oh Dear February 20, 2019

Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , add a comment

One shot of vodka.
One coffee.
One too many cigs.
I’m tired, right?
Shit, let’s not do hypomania.
Contemplating Benadryl but…
This is exactly where I’m at…
Going one stimulus to another, which means:
I’m an addict.
Hey, I just completed my first step in recovery:
Admitting I’m powerless over my stupidity.

I’m not an addict-addict (minus the cigs, but I can quit cigs anytime, coughing. All true addicts deny this properly.)
Nope, I’m a distraction addict.
Don’t have ADD.
Nope, it’s just survival skills
Coping methods to keep me, um,
mostly not thinking stupid shit that lands me curled up in the sheets crying,
and/or keeps me busy.
Distractions saved my life a few number of times.
Anxiety/depression and ruminations get unbearable at times and now I don’t know how to function without distractions.
I barely can watch a 2-hours movie.

I spent at least 5 hours on my homework tonight. That’s quite an accomplishment, given my state-of-mind.

Even if I barely pass these classes, I think I’ll be better off mentally—especially in the need to focus and doing art again. I have so many ideas and should be able to build my art website this summer, from skills learned in the web design class.

Wow, that made me feel a little better, realizing I am a little better than before I was taking these classes. I was a fucking mess last year. Let’s not go there.

2018 sucked balls. Numerology my ass! Fucking 11 year, whatever. As if the Universe adheres to arbitrary numerical systems.

Let’s not ponder anything stupid late at night. Sleepy time! My mind shall drift off to another dimension, hopefully where my Fate resides. Maybe I won’t be such a dork there?

FML October 5, 2018

Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , add a comment

Fuck My Life, i know i have the worst karma

i literally have zero support

can’t talk about anything going on in my life without stressing me out more

every time i talk about my past, i end up having panic attacks to the point of being admitted into psych ward

* i have history of childhood incest trauma, ages 3 to 13,
that’s probably the most significant lingering issue i’ve never really talked about

* my brother’s death due to AIDS; he was one of the best i’ve ever known; my forever hero and role-model

* my high school sweetheart’s suicide; this fucked me up for years;

* 3 military sexual traumas,

the first rape, i was really drunk and suicidal; i intuitively knew i should take a taxi; too drunk to keep him off me; literally told him more than once “No!”; tried keeping my clothes on, [details omitted]; eventually kicked off ship because resulting cancerous pregnancy, which made the whole incident really shameful

the second “rape” was with a dude i really liked; we were drunk; i run away from him, hiding in my barracks room; about 5 mins later, he forces his way into my room; i was so scared of his aggression; despite me telling him to go away, i decide to submit and get him off so fast to get rid of him; this incident really wasn’t too traumatizing per se, but did compound my issues with men

the third rape was probably the most troubling for me because it was a female; the whole time i was having a panic attack and time moved so slowly; i never really talked about it; i never realized a woman could hurt me like that; i’ve had a lot of trouble with intimacy since this event; don’t really trust anyone anymore

* already mentioned cancer (molar pregnancy) with 3 months chemo

* married then divorced; still friends with him and tries to help with his son

* parent of son with autism; stressors unbelievable; he has seizures and another neurological disorder

my panic attacks make me go crazy-crazy (bipolar) sometimes, yes, but never violent; my worst crazy is me saying ridiculous, stupid crazy stuff that makes obviously no goddamn sense; i guarantee they are more embarrassing to me than to you