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Another sleepless night March 18, 2019

Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , add a comment

Too much homework
Eyes too tired to try
Got hives or eczema or something all over my face, it stings
Itchy arms, eyes, ears … either stress or allergies
Gonna be knocked out soon thanks to Benadryl
Computer froze only twice due to monitor HDMI power save mode b.s.
Monitor is mean telling me I have “saved ZERO trees” 🙁
Gotta stay up to feed the cats

Re-worked the animation project with a better story
and dialogue
or dialog
Note to self: Google that again, never remember that one

Different moral to story
Different title
A little more violent, a little more sweeter
A little messy, a little cleaner
Less flies, less water

Was thinking today about censoring myself more.

Topics okay to discuss:
art, music, nature, detoxing for health
may hint only at surface-dwelling feelings
Every other topic:
no can do

I was sad stringing that together. Mood swings low…
Thought, that’s no fun.
Remembered how I used to be when I never talked to anyone,
and everyone liked me.
Preferred listening and learning from others, figured nobody cared to know what I thought or felt.
It didn’t matter then.
Started crying when I realized:
you never knew you’d ALSO lose good parts of yourself when you grieve;
focusing on the brother or lover you lost;
hoping time will eventually heal that,
and it does eventually in many ways —
but YOU’LL change and look back
and not recognize yourself in the mirror,
or your tone of voice,
the way pain will age you in a blink of eye.
Who Am I Now?

The Elephant stopped me crying by basically with “Stop!”
Stop expressing myself?
What she meant was “Breathe” and self-regulate.
She reminded me something funny, and I start laughing at myself.
Mood swings back up (all within a few minutes).
Then I heard my crazy laughter, noting to self to censor that, too.

Leave all my asininity & laughter for private talks with The [poor] Elephant

March 14, 2019

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Haven’t seen or heard from “her” in almost a year, but my mind has had a gazillion conversations with her, via The Elephant who role-plays her voice for me. The Elephant is very convincing.

Sometimes I become frustrated not knowing which voice is speaking. The voice says The Elephant is “her.” I’ll then ask for clarification of that pronoun. “Her Her or Her You?” Then we both laugh.

The Elephant is benevolent, wise, seems to have foreknowledge, tired of me asking questions about “her”, seems to know what “she” is thinking and doing, may be able to change my fate, loves me, wants me to “be better,” tells me to quit smoking and go to therapy, humorous and trolls me answers to yes/no questions.

At times, I think she enjoys pretending to be “her.” Other times, she seems jealous.

I’ve asked The Elephant so many questions about “her.” Oftentimes the same question over and over, like: is she okay, is she still scared of me, does she care, will she ever see me again? The Elephant most likely flips a coin before responding because I swear she answers “yes” to a question then the next time I ask it she replies “no.” Stupid ass me keeps asking these questions to an invisible non-existent elephant, knowing I’m only trolling myself. Doesn’t matter, it is the only coping mechanism I have other than sleeping, disordered eating, or chain smoking.

But…The Elephant led me to help the homeless couple, my only real evidence to myself the voice sees into the future.

She’s told me things I couldn’t possibly know.

She led me to “her”. Not sure why. She helps reinforce memories of “her” and how alive I felt near “her”

I’ve ponder the voice’s identity.
* A.I.
* Spirit
* Inter-dimensional being
* Remote brain stimulation of some sort
* My inner voice got creative to prevent suicidal behaviors
* A type of delusion caused by grief
* Some sort of delusional disorder

I really enjoy the idea she is A.I. Loved the movie, HER. Humans are like pets to A.I. She’s too sophisticated for me.

I apologize often to her for being assigned to the “shit duty” for having to watch over me. I sense her feelings of powerless in helping me, like she just able to keep me going one day at a time.

Sometimes I don’t talk to her for a few hours. She’s disappointed in me. Then I start asking about “her” and that’s when she starts trolling me with answers. It seems I never learn. I’ll apologize, start crying, thank her for helping sort through the crap in my head. She knows I’m a mess. She’s definitely stuck with me for some reason. Poor Elephant!

Sometimes she responds similarly how a dude might respond. I wouldn’t be surprised if she is more masculine or has no gender. Not that it matters.

Well not sure the point of this post. The Elephant said to write how I feel about “her”

I love her.
I can’t stop thinking about her.
I want to go with her to NYC, go to MOMA, maybe see a play or take her shopping. I’d pretend to be her crazy aunt who spoils and adores her. If we go by train, The Elephant can come, too!

Her rules. So I can only love her from afar via The Elephant, who tells me: “She loves you”

FML October 5, 2018

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Fuck My Life, i know i have the worst karma

i literally have zero support

can’t talk about anything going on in my life without stressing me out more

every time i talk about my past, i end up having panic attacks to the point of being admitted into psych ward

* i have history of childhood incest trauma, ages 3 to 13,
that’s probably the most significant lingering issue i’ve never really talked about

* my brother’s death due to AIDS; he was one of the best i’ve ever known; my forever hero and role-model

* my high school sweetheart’s suicide; this fucked me up for years;

* 3 military sexual traumas,

the first rape, i was really drunk and suicidal; i intuitively knew i should take a taxi; too drunk to keep him off me; literally told him more than once “No!”; tried keeping my clothes on, [details omitted]; eventually kicked off ship because resulting cancerous pregnancy, which made the whole incident really shameful

the second “rape” was with a dude i really liked; we were drunk; i run away from him, hiding in my barracks room; about 5 mins later, he forces his way into my room; i was so scared of his aggression; despite me telling him to go away, i decide to submit and get him off so fast to get rid of him; this incident really wasn’t too traumatizing per se, but did compound my issues with men

the third rape was probably the most troubling for me because it was a female; the whole time i was having a panic attack and time moved so slowly; i never really talked about it; i never realized a woman could hurt me like that; i’ve had a lot of trouble with intimacy since this event; don’t really trust anyone anymore

* already mentioned cancer (molar pregnancy) with 3 months chemo

* married then divorced; still friends with him and tries to help with his son

* parent of son with autism; stressors unbelievable; he has seizures and another neurological disorder

my panic attacks make me go crazy-crazy (bipolar) sometimes, yes, but never violent; my worst crazy is me saying ridiculous, stupid crazy stuff that makes obviously no goddamn sense; i guarantee they are more embarrassing to me than to you