Revelations December 11, 2009
Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , 2commentsCaffeine helps my mood and energy.
Alcohol makes sex tolerable. (Too much info, eh?)
I resent my husband for enabling me to kill myself with poor diet.
Resuming school next semester is probably a bad idea.
Next year is my 20 years high school reunion, and I can’t believe it.
Art will save me.
I sing because I’m happy or I’m happy because I sing???? September 9, 2009
Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , 1 comment so farI feel like I’m being pushed by my counselors. They are encouraging me to do stuff like get busy in the house and go outside for walks. My depression and anxiety overwhelm me at times that getting off my ass is the hardest thing to do. I feel paralyzed. How am I supposed to go outside for walks?
This week’s homework is to do one thing “fun” every day. Whatever. There’s nothing fun I can do. Shopping’s fun but I can’t because we have debt out the wazoo. Everything else I can think of fun to do requires a partner since my anxiety freaks me out too much. I can’t do these things because I refuse to let anyone babysit my son.
Today my counselor had a twinkle in her eye when she told me that I don’t bother her. I needed to hear and see that. She explained to me I need to “sing” to pull myself out of depression. I get it; she suggests I fight my depression harder.
Honestly I want someone to rescue me from the pain I feel. I’m angry no one else can save me. I’ve got to do all the work myself and it’s just too fucking hard. I just don’t feel up to it.
It’s September September 4, 2009
Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , add a commentI talked to my counselor on the phone today. She suggested I may need to go into inpatient or outpatient psych because my depression has been getting worse. I’m neglecting to do simple tasks like wash the laundry, etc., and so she encouraged me to get busy.
So it’s 9pm and I haven’t done anything worth being proud of today. The one moment of bliss was me gorging on pizza. Anyway, I am suppose to text my counselor when I place a load of clothes into the washer. Also I’m supposed to text when I go swimming tomorrow.
Gosh I don’t like wasting her time with my pathetic issues. I need to get off my lazy ass but it’s so difficult to do. My depression hasn’t gotten worse. I’ve been like this for a while — not including the manic episode. Yeah, I’ve been really fucked up all this year and here it is September.