Why am I in counseling? May 15, 2009
Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , 1 comment so farIf I talk more then I end counseling earlier. Yeah! However, it’s difficult for me to talk. I become embarrassed very easily. I don’t want to cry.
I remember a time I cried that it hurt. In the arms of the man I loved, my heart whispered goodbye as we made love. In my tears and hugs, my soul moaned how much I didn’t want to lose him. When he asked why I was leaving a couple days early, I cried even more. He had never seen me cry before. It was monumental.
I cried like that in one other person’s arms. I remember her trying to escape that awkward moment as soon as possible and kindly wipe the snot and tears off her shirt without offending me. But she taught me not let it all go. I learned tears had to be moderated.
I’m not in counseling is for a snot and tear feast. I’ve been going to counseling since 2003 and still I refrain from crying because I don’t know how to moderate tears.
Grieving May 14, 2009
Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , add a commentI’m grieving over being bipolar. Boohoo!
What mood will I have today or tomorrow? I seem unpredictable. Who will I be? I feel a loss of control over myself. Boohoo!
My happiest moments are being a mom. So, duh, yeah, I’m will be a mom. What kind of mom am I going to be to my son? And … I can’t have any more kids due to the medications. Boohoo!
Will I go psycho on meds? I don’t believe in psychiatric medications as anything more than placebos. I wouldn’t even take them now if it were for my husband warning me he would take my son away from me if I did not take the medications. Boohoo!
I feel stuck. Trapped in a wretched woman’s body. Bipolar is not my only issue! Boohoo!
Tuesday is my first appointment with an internist in a few years. My lab work showed my thyroid levels were high (TSH 6.59). It’ll be interesting to find out what this is all about. How I wish the bipolar issues were caused by my thyroid….but that would be too normal. I probably have inherited the fucker.
1st appt April 16, 2009
Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , add a commentImagine my first appointment for medication management for bipolar disorder was a success. She’s the first clinician I’ve had an appointment with who addressed issues of the whole person. She’s a nurse practitioner. Other than typical history questions, she discussed my diet (caffeine intake, etc.), spiritual practices, other health issues (asthma, sleep apnea, etc.), recreation, and support activities (with other moms). Hook, line, and sinker….
The nurse practitioner will be monitoring me closely the first month due to the fact I just stopped breastfeeding my gremlin. My next appointment is Friday. I’m taking 1000 mg Depakote (pm), 7.5 Abilify (am), propanolol 10 mg twice a day. Reported side effects included: racing heart, restlessness, anxiety, wake up 2am-5am repeatedly, forgetfulness, blurry vision, photosensitivity.
I’m totally thankful my husband asked my counselor to find me someone I could trust to prescribe meds. I’m so lucky to have supportive people like my hubby and counselor.
Note: I never really intended this blog to turn into a real mental health blog. Let’s see if I can journal all the changes the nurse practitioner does with my meds.
