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Erk June 13, 2010

Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , add a comment

Today my son knocked Sprite all over the laptop. My husband became angry and vented his frustration on our son, who has autism. It broke my heart to hear him say it was his fault, so I reassured him it was an accident. It really pisses me off when someone tries to put a guilt trip on another person…especially my son. All I could think about was how my son felt when he realized his computer was broken and it seemed all my husband thought about was the broken computer. How do I get it through my husband’s thick skull that a 4 year old with autism won’t understand how to prevent accidents like that in the future by being mean to him. It was just an accident.

Revelations December 11, 2009

Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , 2comments

Caffeine helps my mood and energy.

Alcohol makes sex tolerable. (Too much info, eh?)

I resent my husband for enabling me to kill myself with poor diet.

Resuming school next semester is probably a bad idea.

Next year is my 20 years high school reunion, and I can’t believe it.

Art will save me.

I sing because I’m happy or I’m happy because I sing???? September 9, 2009

Posted by fmmh in : Ramblings , 1 comment so far

I feel like I’m being pushed by my counselors. They are encouraging me to do stuff like get busy in the house and go outside for walks. My depression and anxiety overwhelm me at times that getting off my ass is the hardest thing to do. I feel paralyzed. How am I supposed to go outside for walks?

This week’s homework is to do one thing “fun” every day. Whatever. There’s nothing fun I can do. Shopping’s fun but I can’t because we have debt out the wazoo. Everything else I can think of fun to do requires a partner since my anxiety freaks me out too much. I can’t do these things because I refuse to let anyone babysit my son.

Today my counselor had a twinkle in her eye when she told me that I don’t bother her. I needed to hear and see that. She explained to me I need to “sing” to pull myself out of depression. I get it; she suggests I fight my depression harder.

Honestly I want someone to rescue me from the pain I feel. I’m angry no one else can save me. I’ve got to do all the work myself and it’s just too fucking hard. I just don’t feel up to it.